Category: Cooking

In preparation for the new year party I attended, I decided to make coconut shrimp. I found many recipes, and all were very different. You’d think there’d be some consistency between recipes when making a specific dish, but this was not the case. I decided on one for which I had all the ingredients (I have moments of intelligence sometimes). The process was very simple. First, I thawed and shelled the shrimp, leaving the tail on. Next, I prepared an assembly line that included first a bowl of flour, then a bowl with two beaten eggs, then a bowl of coconut flakes, then a frying pan with a couple tablespoons of butter on medium heat. The shrimp went through the flour first, which stuck because the shrimp were damp. Then they were dipped in the egg, which stuck because the flour was dry. After letting the excess egg drip off, the shrimp were dipped into the coconut and rolled around to make sure everything was coated. Then they went into the frying pan. After a couple minutes, I flipped them over so the other side would be cooked, and when they were finished I put them on a paper towel to dry off. Every second batch I washed out the pan because the coconut that fell off would start to burn. I also had to keep adding butter to the pan.

In the end, though, I had made about 50-60 coconut shrimp, and they were still warm when I got to the party. Very tasty. I’m definitely saving that ‘recipe.’

All was not well in Bob’s kitchen last night, though. I made a sheet cake from scratch and was happy with the results, but I needed a frosting, and didn’t have any good recipes that also included ingredients in my kitchen. This is a frequent problem because I have a hard time maintaining a stock of perishable exotic ingredients and whenever I try I end up with many losses.

Anyway, I tried to make a frosting, but the first recipe flopped. Essentially butter and confectioner’s sugar, it never solidified (I’m also short a mixer, so mixing by hand is a bit limited in its success). That went down the drain and I tried another recipe, this time involving shortening. Still no luck, but it didn’t go down the drain yet. I found a third recipe that included the same ingredients plus one or two others, so I morphed the second attempt into the third, with still no luck. By this time I was convinced that the lack of a mixture was a significant factor. It was getting down to the wire and I still didn’t have a frosting, so I gave up and went to the local Safeway, where I bought some frosting. It was sad, but unavoidable. With the frosting and the sprinkles, the cake looked great, and I was happy to discover later that night that it tasted even better than it looked.

When the recipe says to use a 13x9x2 pan, don’t use a 12x7x2 pan. I’ll be cleaning hardened coffee cake off the side of this pan for days. Ugh.

Today’s lesson is about cankersores. These are stress-induced sores on the inside of the mouth that are very painful. They are not bacterial or viral. After a few days, they will go away on their own. Since I have been under a lot of stress lately with the end of the fiscal year approaching at work and many pools of money rapidly drying up, these cankersores are no surprise.

Another important thing to note is that one should not compose a meal using highly acidic tomatoes when there are sores inside the mouth. ouch.

I’ve been cooking on my own for the past couple years, and I can honestly say that I’ve gotten the hang of a lot of it. I know how to do some things really well, and I’m getting pretty quick about putting my dishes together, so that my average meal, with an entree and two side dishes, takes between 10-30 minutes from start to finish to prepare.

For the past few weeks I’ve kicked it up a notch: I’m taking photos of everything I make. The original intent was so that I could start working on a personal cookbook release, but almost instantly I realized another benefit. Because I want these pictures to look good, I’m really focusing on my presentation. Presentation is a huge part of a good meal, and it can transform a mediocre one into a spectacular one. I’m collecting a sizable folder of photos of my dishes, and I have to say that looking at them I’m a little proud.

My cooking has changed how I order food in restaurants. As a general rule, I don’t order anything that I can make at home. If I’m eating out, the last thing I want to do is spend three times as much money to get a meal I can just as easily prepare in my own kitchen. It won’t teach me more, and it’ll taste just as good. This means most pasta is out, steak is definitely not worth it, a lot of stir fries, chicken, and pan-fried fish. This rule is actually pretty convenient, as it eliminates a decent amount of the menu from my consideration, giving me time to focus on the more interesting dishes. Two of the things I look for are techniques that I don’t know or that would take a long time to cook (like lasagna or quiche, which take a long time to prepare and bake), and ingredients that are exotic or to which I have limited access (like some kinds of seafood or fruits). This way I’m guaranteed to get something I probably won’t be making at home, so it’ll be new and interesting to me, which is why I go out.

The other thing I do at restaurants is look at the presentation of the dish. They always clean the edge of the plate. There’s often parsley flakes sprinkled on top to give the dish flecks of color. The fancier the restaurant, the more vertical the food will get. So if you’re going to Denny’s, you’ll have a plate with meat and mashed potatoes next to it and corn next to that, and the whole plate will be covered with some kind of food. If you’re at a fancy restaurant, you’ll have a wide plate, but the food itself will cover a smaller area and be stacked, so the meat would be on top of the asparagus on top of the mashed potatoes. Then some kind of sauce is artfully painted around the unused portion of the plate. And the plate is always wiped clean after the food has been placed on it.

A successful restaurant venture leaves my stomach happy, my tongue intrigued, and my brain full of good ideas to try.

Necessity is the mother of invention, and I was in serious need of food. My problem, though, was that I had hot dog buns but no hot dogs, and hamburger but no hamburger buns. May god have mercy on my soul for what transpired in my kitchen today at lunch, for what I bred was neither encased hot dog, nor round hamburger, but instead a beast of a meal fit only for the likes of those willing enough to put their life on the line in pursuit of the perfect meal.

Today I made the hamburger dog. Instead of making round hamburger patties I carefully fashioned crude oblong patties, holding a hot dog bun beside them to make sure they were of an appropriate size. They were as thick as a normal hamburger, 1/2 inch of pure beefy goodness, but as long as the bun. My George Foreman steamed and sizzled as it struggled to cook the strange shaped patties. At once, I smelled the burning flesh and knew that it was done. The socket sparked as I unplugged the grill. I had prepared my bun in the manner of a typical hamburger: sliced tomato, sweet relish, ketchup, and mustard. Once I placed the finished patties on the buns, my creation was complete.

If you have not yet recoiled in shock and awe, then the completion of my tale should not disturb you further. After I had built these monsters (there was a pair of them because I was hungry, remember), I poured a glass of cold tea, sat down, lifted one of them, and took a bite. What followed thereafter is hazy in my mind. When I came to my senses my plate was empty, my stomach full, and my napkin messy. I can only assume that I devoured them both in a frenzy, leaving nothing but a few flecks of relish on the plate.

Thank you, dear reader, for stomaching this entry as heartily as I stomached the monsters I made for lunch. If you have the inclination, the fortitude, and the equipment, I highly recommend making the bastard child of barbecues; the hamburger dog.

Not the money kind, though that would have been satisfying, too. Today I made real French bread. It came out great. It’s my first time with bread (other than pizza dough), so I was really worried about it. In the end, I had some good loaves; slightly crunchy on the outside, fluffy on the inside. It’s probably 10 times better making my own bread just because I made it. No, it doesn’t taste as good as if I had bought a loaf at the grocery store, but I made it myself, and it was my first time, and if you have a problem with it, try making your own bread and see how you like it.

Some people have asked why I was cooking shirtless in the first place. Why not? Really, though, it was because I had just gotten back from racquetball, then showered, and I knew I wasn’t going out later, so I just put on pajama bottoms.

Tonight’s cooking was a lot better. I had some fun with a seafood stir fry. It took forever to peel the shrimp, but it was so worth it. I had shrimp, crab meat, water chestnuts, and pineapple stir fried with a little hot sauce and some sweet chili sauce. I also put in some rice vermicelli (thin rice noodles). I had my shirt on, and it was delicious.